


Frozen Heart

by my_soul_is_fire



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: M/M, Siren, in the flesh - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 14:19:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3813676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_soul_is_fire/pseuds/my_soul_is_fire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night after Amy's funeral. Kieren is mourning his friend, and can't find sleep. He thinks going out for a while will ease his pain. But this night is the worst, and everything is changing...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frozen Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction ever! Please, forgive me for the mistakes i've probably done, my English is not that good, but I did my best! Anyway, I hope you'll like it so... enjoy!
> 
> P.S: the quote before the text is from 'Animal Impulses' by IAMX

 

 

_There's a cold breeze blowing over my soul..._

It's 3 a.m. Everything is silent. Everyone in Roarton is asleep.

Except Kieren. His white, lifeless eyes are staring at the walls of his room. He left the window open tonight... He has a strange feeling, like the air was too heavy around him, and the night way too dark. He turns his head to watch by the window, filling up his mind with blue skies and shining stars. The street is full of darkness, but these stars... they make this night less terrifing. _Such a beautiful view... maybe for a new painting_... he thinks, with a fragile smile. Smile that disappears the next second, like it never existed.

He can't sleep, not now. He wants... he wants to forget everything. Pretend nothing happened, that he didn't lose her. That everything was just a nightmare. But deep down, he knows he'll never convince himself with this lie.

Because his whole life was and is a nightmare.

Oh God, how much he wanted to sleep forever, and never face the real world and its darkest face again. But his mind keeps torturing him. Makes him remember every details...

There are so many things he should have told her. When it wasn't too late.

That he was sorry. That she was the best thing that ever happened to him. 'Cause he'd do anything just to see her beautiful, illuminated face when she smiled, one more time. Hold her in his arms, and never let her go. Because everything in his first life was fear, and loneliness. A sad, cold and meaningless existence. With nobody to tell him that everything will be ok, that one day the sun will shine again on his face, and that this eternal rain that seems to follow him everywhere will finally stop. Of course, he had Rick, but this was different. It was a secret that must never see the daylight, and never be known by anyone. In the end, even if Rick was everything to him, he was alone. A terrified soul, alone in a world that wanted to kill him in every way. And when he thought nothing could be worse, Rick died. His whole universe fell around him. His mind was a city burning down by this tragic life. He wanted everything to stop. Unfortunately, it didn't happened. He should be gone now, just ashes flying in the warm wind, free of this world. Instead, he's stuck here, suffocating in the darkness and surrounded by his own demons...

He remembers very well when he met Amy. Everything changed.

At first, he didn't trust her. She was a constant reminder of what he was now. Not human. Not dead. Just a ghost haunting this place forever, with no chances to escape. A ghost lost deep inside. But days after days, his vision of her changed. He didn't know how and why he felt this way, but he knew she will be someone important in his future. She was there when he met Rick again, she stayed with him, even if she felt useless or ill-at-ease. She was always there. She didn't judge him when she discovered how he died, she just held him tight in her arms. She knew the real, physical pain, but understood the vicious killer that was pain inside his head. She never let him down. Even when she was feeling bad. She was never angry against him, she just wanted the best for him... Thanks to her, he met Simon. But he feels so guilty now...

Amy loved both him and Simon, and he abused of her confidence... Even if she seemed to accept it, Kieren is now sure she was deeply hurt, but never showed it. Because Amy was someone incredible. Hiding her problems behind her smile, being an eternal optimist, helping everyone around. She had the most beautiful personality Kieren has ever met, and he knows her heart was more pure than anyone in this cursed town.

But it's too late. Her laugh is a memory haunting Kieren's thoughts. He wishes he could go back in time, and save her. But it's impossible, and it's killing him.

But more than that, he wanted to feel a damn thing. 'Cause if in his previous life, he was the slave of his feelings, now he's simply numb. Even his anger in the graveyard wasn't real. Just the monster sleeping inside him, slowly waking up. Manipulating him like a puppet, telling him he wasn't human, not anymore, that nothing stops him, that he could do anything now.

Telling him to _Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill_   KILL

He blinks. His thoughts will drive him crazy one day. But he can't deny what is true. He will never feel again. His cold, inanimate heart will never beat faster. His black, damned blood will never rush through his veins. His skin will never feel the sun, the rain, the touch...

But, what was that strange feeling growing? The pressure on his chest, like some invisible spirit was sitting on ? And this painful beating, like someone was stabbing him from the inside? He wasn't supposed to feel pain... _but was it pain_  ? Or his imagination playing with him again ? Or is he turning rabid ? Is he going to set fire to the town, and drown his inhabitants in their own blood ?

Kieren suddenly stands up but the world was turning around him. His vision was blurred. His right hand was shaking.

_He was cursed._

He slowly sits on his bed, waiting to calm down. When everything was back to normal, he gets up. He wasn't feeling good. _At all._ But he doesn't want to bother his parents, or even Jem, they already worry too much about him...

He get dressed, quietly, then goes to the bathroom. Looks at his reflection in the little miror. He can face himself now, but in this moment, he was almost scared of him. His big, white eyes look terrified behind his long eyelashes. His skin is pale, so pale he can see black veins underneath. His whole body is shaking. _What is happening to him?_   Without a noise, he leaves the bathroom, and then the house.

And he walks. A few minutes? a few hours? _forever?_   He could not tell, he can't think. His thoughts are way too loud, he can't hear anything...

He finally founds a calm place. The bridge. He sits down. He doesn't know what he's doing but he had to leave the house. He wants to feel better, and for one moment, just one, feel normal. He takes his head in his shaking hands, waiting. Waiting for what ? _No idea._

Maybe he should just wait for life to be fair, peaceful, simple...

He laughed at his own thoughts. Damn, he has really gone far this time! Did Amy really turn him into a stupid optimist ? He still can hear her voice, and see her face, and it makes him smile.

And suddenly his vision isn't clear anymore. He blinks quickly, but it become worse. He doesn't understand what's happening.

_Until he feels._

Tears. Slowly falling down.

Born in his eyes, living on his cheeks, dying in his neck...

 _The undead aren't supposed to cry, or feel at all, right?_ The fear grabs Kieren's heart in its claws, and makes it bleed. Oh, his dark heart is suffering, he knows it. _He can feel it._

The street doesn't seem so welcoming now. He needs to get out of there. But where? To home? It doesn't feel like home anymore...

He needs help. He needs to share his pain, this terrifying, new feeling in his body. Paralysing his limbs. He needs someone to fill the void in his soul, someone who will understand. He needs a new home, a shelter from the storm blowing in his own mind...

He gets up and starts running as fast as his tired body can do. Kieren feels like a wounded animal, running until he founds peace... _or death._ Before the Rising, he would have said it was the same, but now that his heart is not beating anymore and just a heavy rock sinking into the dark dephts of his soul, he knows death is not peaceful. And only one person could ease the damaged spirit he has become, and make him feel alive, even if it's just for one precious second.

_He's running to the bungalow._

He wishes he could stop, but he can't control himself now. _It's a mistake,_ he thinks. But his heart doesn't listen.

What if Simon isn't there? What if he left during the night and let him alone in his personal hell? And if he's there, what makes it sure he wants to see him in the middle of the night, the face ravaged by tears that burn his skin like acid?

Kieren is desesperate, and it's the problem. Running, by night, a heavy burden on his chest, coming to appease his mind? Sounds too familiar... He doesn't want to be with Simon because he's lonely, confused or afraid. Kieren knows he doesn't deserve Simon's love, or even his confidence.

What if he's angry against him ? What if he doesn't want anything from him anymore ? What if it was just a beautiful dream ? _What if...._

Kieren was so lost in his thoughts he didn't see he was arrived at Simon's bungalow. He suddenly stops. He's full of doubts. He doesn't want to bother Simon. But his whole life was and is just a big « _What if_ _?_ ». He can't live in the past anymore, where he was afraid about everything, and couldn't face the truth. So he knocks at Simon's door. If he was still alive, his heart would probably thunder so loud it will break his ribs. Strange, 'cause it's what he's feeling right now... Before he could think of it further, Simon opens the door.

He was surely asleep, because his pale eyes are not totally open, and his dark hair falls all over his head. Kieren feels the guilt grow in him. But as soon as Simon sees his face, he's perfectly awake. He looks really worried now.

\- Kieren? What's going on?

Kieren can't say a word, he just stares at Simon. He breathes in, softly, and his chest burns. He sees that Simon is waiting for an answer, that he's troubled. He wants to say something but his mind is a mess, his heart a wreck and his body a hollow shell.

\- Are... are you crying... Kieren? Simon asks, and his voice is slightly shaking.

Kieren swallows with difficulty, and his voice is just a breath.

-Simon, I don't know what's happening to me, I don't feel good, and nothing is alright ! I miss Amy and it's like I fell and I'll never get up ! What is fucking wrong with me, Simon!? I'm so sorry I shouldn't...

Before he could say another word, he was in Simon's arms.

-It's okay, you're okay and I'm here for you, yeah ? Come here now.

Without releasing Kieren, Simon goes back into the bungalow and closes the door behind him. Once inside, he gently takes Kieren by his shoulders.

-Hey, look at me. Tell me what happened, please.

What does Simon think of him ? Kieren feels so ashamed right now he couldn't even look at him in the eyes. His mind is ablaze, and his mouth so dry... He starts talking but his voice is as weak as his heart.

-I cannot sleep...I was thinking of Amy... and... I didn't know what to do... so... I ran...and-and I'm sorry Simon...

-Stop saying sorry Kieren. You don't bother me, and you know i'll always be there for you, don't you ?

Simon looks at him, and his eyes, oh his eyes, that Kieren once saw cold as ice, they're now illuminated, burning of feelings. Kieren can't hold back his sorrow anymore. He's exhausted, he just wants to sleep and be safe. Tears still run on his face, but he doesn't have the strength to do something. Simon looks at him and smiles, even if he's worried, and truly terrified. He takes Kieren in his arms.

-We'll be in this together okay? You're not alone, and I'll never let you down. These demons in your head? I'll fight them with you, if you want me to. Even if you were losing your mind, i'd be there, 'cause you're the only one who ever matter to me.

He caresses Kieren's hair, who starts to fall asleep. He slowly sits on the floor, Kieren in his arms, too tired to move. He wipes away the tears on his cheeks.

-Kieren ?

-... yes? he responds after a few seconds, slowly opening his eyes.

-I love you, you know?

Kieren has a weak smile, full of tiredness.

-I love you too....

And as they both dive into each other's eyes, they knew. That they may have found their new home, their shelter from the storm. That it doesn't need four walls and a roof, but maybe just two arms that hold you tight. They knew they'll face difficulties, that life will not be fair, peaceful or simple, that sometimes they will want to give up, but in these moments, they will not be alone. Not anymore. They will accept the pain, but never let it destroy them. Because something is different now.

_They feel._

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is the end! I really hope you liked it!  
> If you wanna share your feelings, please comment! I'd love that! :) Thanks!


End file.
